Lyrics by Thomas Ballinger

1. At the store the other day/ I set my phone down for a second /following that I had a moments terror /the extent of which I never reckoned/ 2. I asked a lady so embarrassed/ help I lost my phone it's the truth/ she looked at me funny but called my number/ I heard that ringtone at the courtesy booth/ (spoken)/ listen to that ringtone 2-3 people said "I remember that show!!, some guy is lighting a fuse! Good ringtone when you have a dysfunctional or datfunctional marriage/ 3. my phone keeps my grocery list and pays my bills / it knows everything I know / I can delete what I want to/ how'd I survive without this gizmo? / 4. Sometimes sweeties don't sound alike / words that rhyme my phone's got em all day/ but when it comes to disharmonic love my device don't have much to say / 5. It's slim and it looks good / it stays quietly in my jeans/ I can turn the volume down when I want/ it forgets my mistakes and it knows what I mean/ 6. Oh honey you know I love you / just blowing steam I don't mean nuttin/ boy if my spouse reads this I'm surely dead / oh crud by mistake I hit the send button / (spoken) but you know what, my phone does more for me than my spouse , sometimes I think I'd rather lose you than my phone...oh, what's that noise, I got a new text, what the heck is this? Alexa, what do "divorce" and "alimony" mean? Next year I'll be filing my taxes under filing status 1, not 2?

1.The Swashbuckler lounged mint julep in her hand pleased with the results but she made a new plan / they love me so much but I'm aching for more l let's do this scheme so more blessings will pour/ 2. My ego needs feeding so think about this we'll give em disaster and they'll badly miss / they'll cry for me tears and sure not a few / we're sorry we kicked you but now we'll love true/ 3. Actors are cattle a dozen for a dime nothing has happened like our script this time / the plot is the thing the drama is straight what no one will see until it's too late/ 4. So very soon the scam it was born they found a sycophant whose soul was so worn/ youll be remembered as a horrible king he grinned "so what they'll remember I was KING!!"/ 5. So the death angel was released in the night nothing like this ever seen to pound home the fright/ grasshoppers with gigabytes devoured the truth and left behind mysteries in their charlatan booths/ 6. The carnage consumed all hope and dreams the Swashbuckler and her crew loved what seemed /to be history's clueless scam and theft in the morning nothing but desolation was left/ 7. If towncriers blink and babble a script then how can silence in a vacuum be dipped/ the arguing began the tribunals claimed only the planners knew who was damned/ 8 in the cold morning the lying began as the Swashbuckler began molding her man % into a deviousnasty old man whose words were hollow whose edicts were cruel/ 9. Soon the targeted were peasants their tents filled with holes their cattle and children befret of foals / the food disappeared and so did the seed as the confusion grew and so did lost need/ 10. the Swashbuckler she waited the victim well planned as her vacuum began to spread thru the land /the ones who used to be against her soon turned on the sycophant this lord of disaster/ 11. The sycophants utterances soon came true in the lands of Jacob there is nothing new / they'll soon forget what wicked I do my place in history secure it is true / 12. I dont care how they've turned against me you chose we'll for what I can be you couldnt have written a better ad for what I've done and boy are they mad / 13. They love and adore you they want you to reign as they suffer they the dirty rain /their offerings they'll never find as i slip out through back my pockets well lined/ 14. In the morning the targets gave tribute to the Swashbuckler whose plan had come true only cheers came to what used to be blue the sycophant now forgotten stood back in the crowd alone invisible silently proud/ 15.so now there's the story the actors so great the bait and the switch subtle was fate / who's to say who fell so behind the exalted, the forgotten, or the targeted blind/ 16. On a cold sleepy story is it lies or is it fact one things for sure no drama it lacked/ the lemmings in so many directions they fall the remnant so few the blindest blinders of all//

1.The Swashbuckler lounged mint julep in her hand pleased with the results but she made a new plan / they love me so much but I'm aching for more l let's do this scheme so more blessings will pour/ 2. My ego needs feeding so think about this we'll give em disaster and they'll badly miss / they'll cry for me tears and sure not a few / we're sorry we kicked you but now we'll love true/ 3. Actors are cattle a dozen for a dime nothing has happened like our script this time / the plot is the thing the drama is straight what no one will see until it's too late/ 4. So very soon the scam it was born they found a sycophant whose soul was so worn/ youll be remembered as a horrible king he grinned "so what they'll remember I was KING!!"/ 5. So the death angel was released in the night nothing like this ever seen to pound home the fright/ grasshoppers with gigabytes devoured the truth and left behind mysteries in their charlatan booths/ 6. The carnage consumed all hope and dreams the Swashbuckler and her crew loved what seemed /to be history's clueless scam and theft in the morning nothing but desolation was left/ 7. If towncriers blink and babble a script then how can silence in a vacuum be dipped/ the arguing began the tribunals claimed only the planners knew who was damned/ 8 in the cold morning the lying began as the Swashbuckler began molding her man % into a deviousnasty old man whose words were hollow whose edicts were cruel/ 9. Soon the targeted were peasants their tents filled with holes their cattle and children befret of foals / the food disappeared and so did the seed as the confusion grew and so did lost need/ 10. the Swashbuckler she waited the victim well planned as her vacuum began to spread thru the land /the ones who used to be against her soon turned on the sycophant this lord of disaster/ 11. The sycophants utterances soon came true in the lands of Jacob there is nothing new / they'll soon forget what wicked I do my place in history secure it is true / 12. I dont care how they've turned against me you chose we'll for what I can be you couldnt have written a better ad for what I've done and boy are they mad / 13. They love and adore you they want you to reign as they suffer they the dirty rain /their offerings they'll never find as i slip out through back my pockets well lined/ 14. In the morning the targets gave tribute to the Swashbuckler whose plan had come true only cheers came to what used to be blue the sycophant now forgotten stood back in the crowd alone invisible silently proud/ 15.so now there's the story the actors so great the bait and the switch subtle was fate / who's to say who fell so behind the exalted, the forgotten, or the targeted blind/ 16. On a cold sleepy story is it lies or is it fact one things for sure no drama it lacked/ the lemmings in so many directions they fall the remnant so few the blindest blinders of all//